the lying detective

Sherlock : Are you OK?
John : [laughs] What, am I…? No, no, I’m not OK. I’m never going to be OK. And we’ll just have to accept that. It is what it is, and what it is is… shit.
Mary : John, do better.
John : You didn’t kill Mary. Mary died saving your life. It was her choice, no-one made her do it. No-one could ever make her do anything. The point is, you did not kill her.
Sherlock : In saving my life, she conferred a value on it. It is a currency I do not know how to spend.
John : It is what it is. I’m tomorrow, six till ten. I’ll see you then.
Sherlock : Looking forward to it.
John : Yeah.

[woman groans]
Mary : That noise, that’s a text alert noise?
John : What was that?
Sherlock : Hmm? What was what?
Mary : That’s the text alert of Irene Adler. She’s the scary mad one, right?
John : That noise?
Sherlock : What noise?
Mary : But she’s dead. [gasps] Ooh, I bet she isn’t dead! I bet he saved her. Oh, my God! Oh, the posh boy loves the dominatrix. He’s never knowingly under-cliched, is he?
Sherlock : John?
John : I’m going to make a deduction.
Sherlock : Oh, OK, that’s good.
John : And if my deduction is right, you’re going to be honest and tell me, OK?
Sherlock : OK. Though I should mention that it is possible for any given text alert to become randomly attached to…
John : Happy birthday.
Sherlock : Thank you, John, that’s… very kind of you.
John : Never knew when your birthday was.
Sherlock : Well, now you do.
John : Seriously, we’re not going to talk about this?
Sherlock : Talk about what?
John : I mean, how does it work?
Sherlock : How does what work?
John : You and The Woman. Do you go to a discreet Harvester sometimes? Is there nights of passion in High Wycombe?
Sherlock : Oh, for God’s sake, I don’t text her back!
John : [laughs] Why not? You bloody moron! She’s out there, she likes you and she’s alive! And do you have the first idea how lucky you are?! Yes, she’s a lunatic, she’s a criminal, she’s insanely dangerous. Trust you to fall for a sociopath!
Mary : Oh, married an assassin!
John : But she’s, you know…
Sherlock : What?
John : Just text her back.
Sherlock : Why?
John : Because High Wycombe is better than you are currently equipped to understand!
Sherlock : I once caught a triple poisoner in High Wycombe.
John : That’s only the beginning, mate.
Sherlock : As I think I have explained to you many times before, romantic entanglement, while fulfilling for other people…
John : Would complete you as a human being.
Sherlock : That doesn’t even mean anything.
John : Just text her, phone her, do something while there’s still a chance, because that chance doesn’t last forever. Trust me, Sherlock, it’s gone before you know it. Before you know it! She was wrong about me.
Sherlock : Mary? How so?
John : She thought that if you put yourself in harm’s way, I’d… I’d rescue you, or something. But I didn’t, not till she told me to. And that’s how this works, that’s what you’re missing. She taught me to be the man she already thought I was. Get yourself a piece of that.
Sherlock : Forgive me, but you are doing yourself a disservice. I have known many people in this world, but made few friends, and I can safely say…
John : I cheated on her. No clever comeback? [turns to her] I cheated on you, Mary. There was a woman on the bus, and I had a plastic daisy in my hair, I’d been playing with Rosie. And this girl just smiled at me. That’s all it was, it was a smile. We texted, constantly. You want to know when? Every time you left the room – that’s when. When you were feeding our daughter. When you were stopping her from crying – that’s when. And that’s all it was. Just texting. But I wanted more. And do you know something? I still do. I’m not the man you thought I was, I’m not that guy. I never could be. But that’s the point. [voice breaks] That’s the whole point. Who you thought I was… is the man who I want to be.
Mary : Well, then… John Watson… get the hell on with it.
[John sobs]
Sherlock : It’s OK.
John : It’s not OK.
Sherlock : No… but it is what it is.

***

Sherlock : So, Molly’s going to meet us at this cake place.
John : Well, it’s your birthday. Cake is obligatory.
Sherlock : Oh, well, I suppose a sugar high is some sort of substitute.
John : Behave.
Sherlock : Right then. You know, it’s not my place to say, but… it was just texting. People text. Even I text. Her, I mean. Woman. Bad idea. Try not to, but, you know, sometimes… It’s not a pleasant thought, John, but I have this terrible feeling from time to time that we might all just be human.
John : Even you?
Sherlock : No. Even you.
John : Cake?
Sherlock : Cake! Oh, um…
John : What? What is it? What’s wrong? [laughs] Seriously?
Sherlock : I’m Sherlock Holmes. I wear the damn hat! Isn’t that right, Mary?

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